I couldn't be your best friend

Idiot, Ignorant, uninformed, uneducated….It seemed the teacher was researching for adjectives to explain my personality in the first day of my college. Even though, the attire of the class seemed to be approving those words I couldn't understand the meaning of any of those words. To me, those adjectives were similar to the botanical terms taught by the teacher a few minutes ago. The facial expression of teacher and the loud laughter from the rest of the class, I could understand one thing, I am being insulted. The teacher continued to speak in English staring at me; I was not sure whether she was teaching, asking question or abusing me. Each of her word inflamed laughter in the class and seventy nine pairs of eyes and seventy nine pairs of hands assisted the teacher to tease me. I found myself as a tiny island in the ocean, where ships and boats never thought of putting in, but I was surprised to see that there was not a single drop of tear in both my eyes. It infuriated the teacher and she shouted ‘get out’. From her posture with fingers pointing towards the door, I understood that she wants me to go out of the class.

My mind appeared like a white paper where there was not a single bit of thought was available. The colorful walls and the beautiful garden of my college seemed like a black and white film. Each student in the science block stared at me as if I am an alien. I wanted to escape to a place where at least one person knows my language. I ran to the humanities block where all my friends study, but all of them were in the class, enjoying their fist day at college. I tried to poke the attention of my friend who was sitting near the window, but was with no success, as she was deeply involved in the lecture of the teacher who was explaining the freedom struggle of India in Malayalam language. Sad, insulted, frustrated, forsaken, tired…I counted these adjectives as ineffective to explain my state of my mind.

I was afraid to return to the science block where I appeared like a lonely aborigine sitting among the class society. An unexplained spirit in me, directed my path from the science block towards the students center,where lazy girls engage themselves in unwanted chats. The soft and beautiful red carpet on the way, formed by the fallen flowers of the bigger trees in the campus appeared like mats of fire to me. I forgot to relish the nice flowers in the botanical garden which attracted me deeply on the day when I came there for the first time to take admission. I was lost, lost in my own ignorance, the ultimate ignorance of English language. I could not count myself as a poor little girl who hated the entire world for her not knowing English; instead I counted myself as a person who stands at the end of life with no doors open except death. This thought assisted the flow of two streams from my eyes for the first time in last one hour. Being unsuccessful in wiping tears, I saw several pairs of eyes staring at me, I tried to hide my face with my shawl. Suddenly I could see a pair of eyes that looked at me with sympathy.

I wanted to look at those eyes once again, but to save my face from the numerous pairs of eyes; I ran towards the gate and suddenly nature consoled me with rains. I cried a lot by hiding tears in the rain water. The bell rang two times after that, yet I didn't feel to return to my class. The third bell was for lunch break and I reached the humanities block by that time. The presence of my friends consoled me and I was given solace that washed all the sorrows from my heart. Like my guardian angels, my friends collectively decided to discuss my change from science group to humanities group with my parents. Wanting an escape, I also decided to agree with their suggestion and made my mother visit my college the next day to give application for the group change.

Everything went well and my mother reached the college to give application for the group change. I waited for the first period to begin, to buy the application form from the office, so that I can avoid the irritating looks of my classmates during the application process. As it was the class time, the corridor of the office block was empty and we were at peace in filling the application for group change. While writing, my mother looked at me with a lot of questions as she knew that science group was the real wish of my heart. I closed my eyes to avoid the reality and continued to fill the application form. Suddenly somebody touched my shoulder from behind and I turned my eyes to see the person. She was the owner of those beautiful pair of eyes that gave me a warm look of comfort and sympathy in those exploding moments of the previous day. ‘Are you changing the group?’ Yes, my mother was very quick to answer when I preferred to remain silent. The girl tried to tell me that it is not a wise decision, but her words could not pierce my heart, but she could convince my mother and could succeed in sending my mother back without giving the application.

The thought of me going back to that hell landed me in dilemma and I was compelled to go back to the same class and remained like an alien. Meeting my friends during lunch was the only consolation. The next day was the practical day and being a populous class with strength of eighty, everybody couldn't finish the practicals before lunch. The entire class had to wait for one more hour in the lab. When I left the lab, my friends had returned to their classes and I was all alone to have my lunch. Instead of going to the class room, I went to the student’s center to eat. While starting to eat, I heard a voice that asked ‘Do you mind sharing your lunch box?’ It was her, Gily, the girl who poured water on my comfort. "My lunch box has only two small loafs of bread and some butter. In fact I hate the combination and would like to eat rice and curry" she explained. Though, I didn't like sharing my lunch with a stranger, I said yes. She sat with me and ate from my box. She seemed eating as if she never saw rice and brinjal fry before that. Why there is no fish or meat, she asked? Even if I was surprised with her question, I answered that I am a vegetarian. After finishing my lunch box, she offered me her bread and butter. I ate a little from it. It was really tasty as the bread was toasted with butter and there was a small packet of Jam as well.

On the way back to our class, she talked about a lot of things; most of them were about Mohanlal and Mammootty, the renowned actors in the Malayalam film industry. But, she never mentioned even a single word about that incident or my decision for group change. The next day, she joined me while I was going to humanities class to meet my friends for lunch. It did not take long for our meetings to grow up as friendship. She became a member of our friendship group. Instead of revealing her exact persona of a girl who was borne and brought up in South Africa, she showed interests of a common Indian girl. She tried to adopt my interest as hers and thus I counted her as my best friend. In her company, I was being noted as one among the royals and she made me take part in the college elections and thus I became the representative of the entire first pre-degree batch. It added my confidence and I became a public figure in the college very soon, but my wounded heart refused to accept anyone else from the science group, as my friend. Days passed without asking permission and the arrival of first year exam was very quick. Thank God, I failed in all the papers other than Hindi, my second language.  Since that day, she became my teacher and she tried to help me understand the scientific concepts, but she was a failure.

In this while, she understood that my problem is language and she gifted me an English grammar book and a dictionary. On that day, she told me for the first time about the insult I had to face in the first day of college. She made me recall the pain I underwent that day. Getting good marks is the only answer for that insult. Her voice was bold while she was telling this to me. She helped me to complete my notes and showed me the way I can use the dictionary and grammar book to understand the science text books. It was a difficult task, yet I did it and could complete my portions before the exams. She made me by-heart the concepts which seemed impossible to understand. While I was preparing for the exams, even my mother was not confident of me passing the exams as I need to write the papers of both the years, but she was confident and she made me confident. I passed the exam which was like a surprise to my family and friends.

I returned to the same college for graduation expecting her as both of us promised each other. It was a rainy day, I brought her favorite brinjal fry in my lunch box, but she was not there in the first BSc chemistry. I could not even imagine her breaking promise and searched for her in other departments of science. Physics, zoology, botany, mathematics…she was nowhere. She returned to South Africa to stay with her family. All the saved tears since the day of me getting insulted started flowing like rivers. With me even the nature cried so that I didn't have to hide my tears as it flew together with the rain water.  The rain water had the same smell and spirit of the day I walked in rains for getting insulted. Rain lasted for two days and with these two days, I made up my mind to return to college with a fresh mind, though it was not easy.  I could command wide respect and acceptability among students and teachers, but I felt myself incomplete without her. Every day, my mind expected her return and brought a box full of variety dishes for her, but she didn't turn up. The first year exams were not difficult and we were planning to receive the new comers.

Being a member of the college union, I was busy behind the curtain when the principal announced the entrance of new batch BSc Chemistry students. I didn't give any particular attention to this announcement as I was assigned to take care of the students who were performing in the function, but, something stuck my heart at that moment and I felt that my friend and soul mate is somewhere around. My brain denied the chances and continued my work with the drama team. While the drama was performing on the stage, I could not control the overwhelming heart that believed Gily is in the new batch. As the drama finished, I ran to the hall and was surprised to see her among juniors. I shouted her name and she turned her beautiful face to give me a smile. With her hand she gave me a gesture of seeing me later. I accepted it and returned to the stage. After saying the vote of thanks, I directly went to the first year BSc class to meet her; she smiled at me and congratulated me for my performance on stage.

We met several times after that, but each meeting lacked a much needed ingredient- intimacy. She always was with her classmates and never came with me to have lunch. While completing my graduation, I went to her class to say good bye. She was in the chemistry lab so bade me good bye with gestures.  I understood one thing that I never could be her best friend even though she made herself my best friend. Since those days, I hated the brinjal fry which was a routine side dish of my lunch box, but I refused to hate her. I made myself believe that she must have been giving company to yet another insulted girl who wants to die or who wants to change the subject. But dear friend, to my mind, somewhere in the middle of a heavy rainfall, still there is a lonely girl and her friend who loves to eat brinjal fry and coconut chutney.  Sometimes, while sitting in solitude, I still hear the chat of both these girls, I still enjoy to listen their arguments about movies and novels, without disturbing those good friends!!!